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How did you learn about sex when you were a child? Did you watch an education video, have “the talk” with your mom or dad, or learn from your peers? Was it a positive experience for you?
How do you want your child to learn about sex?
These were some of the questions asked of us during a parenting workshop on raising sexually healthy kids. A local sex therapist shared her passion for helping parents like me, break out of our fear of talking to our kids about sex. She provided information and tools to help us get started, so I want to share what I learned with you.
Common Myths About Talking to Your Kids About Sex
Jennifer pointed out some common myths that cause parents to shy away from teaching their kids about sexuality. First, we think our kids are too young to learn about sex. Second, we figure that since we turned out alright, there’s nothing to worry about. And thirdly, our kids aren’t asking questions about sex, so why bring it up?
Contrary to what we may think, our kids are ready to start talking about sex, earlier than we think. And the more informed they are, the more their innocence is protected, and they feel empowered. Some kids don’t ask questions because of their natural temperament. It doesn’t mean they don’t need the information. Parents may have to be the ones to take initiative.
We need to give our children information about sex along with our values surrounding sex, so they will grow up sexually healthy. As Jennifer pointed out, how many parents can imagine not talking to their kids about drinking, smoking, and using drugs? How many of us will insist our children take driver’s ed before getting their driver’s license? Teaching our kids about sex is just as important. If we don’t teach them, then they will learn it from other sources.
Why Read Books About Sex with Your Kids?
First, books take the guess work out of what’s developmentally appropriate. If you’re like me, you’re not really sure what you should or shouldn’t bring up in a conversation. Let the books be your guide.
Secondly, talking to our kids about sex can feel uncomfortable, so reaching for a book is a natural way to break the ice.
Thirdly, reading books with our children is a connecting experience, and what better topic to make warm memories with our kids than around the topic of sex and sexuality.
Books About Sex for Kids by Age
This is not an exhaustive list of books by any means. Just go to Amazon and you’ll find many more. I wanted to share the names of the books that were recommended at the parenting workshop, and also ones that I have personally read. If you are looking to purchase just a few books to have in your home library, then this is the place to start.
Ages 3 -5
Who Has What? (affiliate link) by Robie Harris
This book is all about body parts. Girls and boys have body parts that are the same and some that are different. It briefly mentions that when girls grow up they can become mommies and when boys grow up they can become daddies. The baby grows in the uterus and can drink breast milk from the mommy. When boys grow up they can grow whiskers and beards. The last page sends the positive message that everyone has a wonderful body.
No matter what kind of body you have-a girl’s body or a boy’s body, or whatever shape, shade, or size body you have-there is no other body in the whole world just exactly like your body. And being you is what makes you so wonderful and so special.
Harris, Robie. Who Has What? page 29
Happy Birth Day! (affiliate link) by Robie Harris
A mother tells her child about the first day they met, her birthday! Beautifully illustrated, this book includes details of the umbilical cord as it’s still attached and after it’s cut and clamped. The birth took place in a hospital, so there is reference to doctors and nurses and the typical procedures that take place in that setting. I appreciate how the illustrator shows the baby nursing and the author uses words to describe the sounds the baby makes. Moms reading this book will happily reminisce the special day their baby was born.
Ages 5-7
It’s Not the Stork (affiliate link) by Robie Harris
Children ponder the question, “where do babies come from?” together with the bird and the bee that make their appearance throughout the book, giving their funny commentary. They learn about how girls’ and boys’ bodies are mostly the same, but their bodies have some special “inside” and “outside” parts that are unique to their gender.
The text explains how babies are made in the following way:
When grownups want to make a baby, most often a woman and a man have a special kind of loving called “making love”- “having sex” or “sex.” This kind of loving happens when the woman and the man get so close to each other that the man’s penis goes inside the woman’s vagina.
Harris, Robie. It’s Not the Stork! page 28
My son likes the chapter called, “The Big Swim.” The journey of the sperm and egg are cleverly illustrated in a two-page spread with lots of speech bubbles.
I really like this book because the author focuses on facts that are age appropriate and often most confusing to young children. Most kids wonder if a baby is in a mom’s stomach and wonder how a baby gets out. When you read this book with your child you can rest assured that you are teaching correct facts and terminology right from the start.
Ages 7+
It’s So Amazing (affiliate link) by Robie Harris
This next book in Robie Harris’s series expands upon the information in It’s Not the Stork. Terms like reproduction, sexual intercourse, straight, gay, lesbian, heterosexual, homosexual, chromosomes, genes, masturbation, condom, abstinence, HIV, and AIDS are introduced and explained. There is also a reference to abortion as a medical way to end a pregnancy.
If you’re like me, some of these hefty topics seem a bit mature and controversial for kids at this age. I’m not sure I’m completely comfortable with sharing this information with a seven year old. But, this book covers the information kids are learning in our culture today, so I would rather be the one to talk to my kids, using discretion with a book like this.
What I appreciate about this book is how it recognizes that kids grow up in all sorts of families. There is a whole chapter devoted to adoption that explains “biological mother” and “biological father” and how the adopting parents sign papers pledging to love and care for their baby or child.
As in the first book, this book helps parents know how to talk about sexual abuse in a way to protect kids, but not scare them. Chapter 19, Keeping Safe explains the difference between “okay touches” and “not okay touches.”
Ages 8+
The Care and Keeping of You (affiliate link) by Cara Natterson (American Girl)
Ages 9+
The Girls Body Book (affiliate link) by Kelli Dunham
The Boys Body Book (affiliate link) by Kelli Dunham
Ages 10+
It’s Perfectly Normal (affiliate link) by Robie Harris
This final book in the Robie Harris series is jam-packed with information organized around the topics of what is sex, our bodies, puberty, families and babies, decisions, and staying healthy. Reading it cover to cover overwhelmed me, because there was so much to process.
Because this book is targeted for tweens and teens, it’s helpful to figure out your values before reading it with your child. Written from the perspective of our current culture, this book lays down all the facts openly. To make this book work for you and your child, use the information as a springboard to deeper conversations about your feelings and values around delicate topics such as abstinence, abortion and birth control.
Tips for Talking to Your Kids About Sex
After you start reading these books with your kids, you’ll find it easier to start talking to your kids about sex. They may start asking more questions too. Jennifer shared several tips about where to begin and what kinds of things we should tell our kids. Here are some helpful tips that stood out to me during the workshop.
- Figure out your values around sex, so you’ll know what you want to share with your child and when.
- Prepare yourself for awkward feelings. If you are visibly uncomfortable, then your child will feel uneasy or scared. You want to convey that sex is natural, rather than something to be ashamed of.
- Keep it simple and age appropriate.
- Always provide information that’s truthful, useful, and accurate.
- Keep calm. Take a deep breathe, if necessary.
- Use everyday opportunities, as they arise, to talk about sex, such as when watching television together.
- Build trust by listening to your child’s ideas about sex. After listening, you can clarify any misunderstandings by saying, “What I know about it is…” Or validate their feelings by saying, “I understand what you are feeling and I often felt that way when I was your age, too.”
- When your child asks a question, show approval by saying, “That’s a good question.” Next, ask a question to find out what he is really asking and accept how he responds. Then, give an honest answer, two sentences is sufficient. Finally, wrap up by asking, “Does that answer your question?”
In Conclusion
Talking to our children about sex will feel awkward if we didn’t grow up having conversations about sex with our parents. But our kids need us to teach them about sex for their own well being. Let’s not leave it to the kids on the playground or the latest TV show. With practice, talking with our children will get easier. A great first step is to read books about sex with your child. Reading always draws parents and children together, and books can help us relax around the topic of sex. Above all, keep communication open. Refer to the tips for talking about your child about sex often. Eventually you won’t need them anymore.
Your Turn
What books have you used in talking to your children about sex? What tips for talking about sex with your child do you find most helpful?
Sources:
Wiessner, Jennifer, LCSW, CST. 2019. Raising Sexually Healthy Children.
Harris, Robie H. 2006. It’s Not the Stork. Somverville, MA: Candlewick Press.
Harris, Robie H. 2014. It’s So Amazing. Somerville, MA: Candlewick Press.
Harris, Robie H. 2014. It’s Perfectly Normal. Somerville, MA: Candlewick Press.
