Homeschooling isn’t easy. When you have a difficult child, it can be nearly impossible. You’re tired of nagging. Every day feels like a battle. You thought homeschooling would draw you closer to your child, but it’s tearing you apart. You question whether it’s time to give up homeschooling, because it’s not going according to plan. Sound familiar? In this article we’ll share fifteen tips for homeschooling a difficult child without losing your mind.
Some of the strategies include actions you can take that deal directly with curriculum or your child, but other strategies involve a change in your perspective, letting go, and allowing your child more freedom. Some of these ideas are easier than others, but try them out before getting too down on yourself or your child.
1. Be an objective observer
The first tip for homeschooling a difficult child is to take time to be an objective observer. Be the fly on the wall and watch what happens in your homeschool day. Take notes on what you notice. Get a clear picture of what behaviors are bothering you and what prompted them. What time did they happen? What was going on at the time? What’s contributing to the problem?
2. Evaluate your curriculum
Evaluate your curriculum to see whether it contributes to your child’s uncooperative spirit. Does it appeal to your child? Does it provide variety or is it too monotonous? Is it too challenging or too easy? Is it worth your time and energy?
3. Break work into tiny portions
Some kids can’t take sitting still for too long or concentrating on tasks for too long, especially in primary grades. Don’t feel obligated to do everything by the book. If the math lesson includes twenty problems, do just half of them and come back to the others later.
4. Take frequent breaks
Give your child the freedom to stop when he needs to. You can challenge him to work for a set amount of time before getting up to get a snack or use the bathroom or play with toys. Try using a timer if it doesn’t add stress.
5. Let your child plan the schedule
Start the day creating a schedule. Write or draw pictures on index cards of the different tasks for the day. Have your child arrange them in order of how she’d like to do them. Hang them on a clothesline or velcro them onto a chart. Remove the cards as each task is completed.
6. Learn when to compromise
Learning to compromise is an important skill to teach our children. An easy way to practice compromise is by taking turns. “Since you chose the game to play now, I’ll pick the next activity.” To homeschool a difficult child, compromise can save you and your child a lot of time and heartache.
Here’s an example of a time where compromise would have helped.
I wanted to finish our reading lesson by playing a simple reading game. All my son had to do was read the word on the game board when he landed on the space. Simple. I knew he could do it, but he refused. It snowballed into an argument and tears. We were both being adamant. I wanted to check this last step off my list; He didn’t want to play.
Finally, I got control of my emotions and said in a calm voice, “That’s okay. We can stop for now and play later when you aren’t so tired.” (He was claiming he was too tired to read the words) We put the game away and no more was said.
7. Practice strewing
Another tip for homeschooling a difficult child without losing your mind is to practice strewing. Put out something ahead of time, like a new board game or a craft project that hasn’t been used in awhile. Adding something unexpected can change your child’s mood. In this practice you are encouraging learning without forcing it. It’s a gentle approach that captures kids curiosity, unlike a daily textbook.
8. Sneak learning into mealtimes
If you are feeling discouraged about not getting much accomplished, mealtimes can make up for lost time. When children are eating, they’re occupied, which is sometimes half the battle. You’ve got a captive audience around the table, so why not take advantage of that time. In our home, we make mealtimes enjoyable and educational as we learn vocabulary, read aloud, and solve riddles together.
9. Spend quality time with your child
Building your relationship is important. Do something together that she really loves and show genuine interest and engagement. I know from experience that pushing my agenda always backfires. If my son doesn’t feel connected his behavior deteriorates, and he doesn’t want to do what I ask him to.
10. Lower your expectations
Okay, this may not sound like good advice to you. After all, you’re homeschooling because you have high expectations for your child! The kind of expectations I’m talking about are the ideal homeschool expectations you put on yourself. Are you expecting your kids to follow your schedule, to do their work eagerly with no complaints, and for everyone to get along happily ever after?
That’s not realistic. I can count on one hand how many days have gone well according to my standards. But every morning I seem to think it’s going to be the day when everything goes according to plan.
11. Resort to read aloud
This is one of my favorite tips for homeschooling a difficult child. Reading aloud can save everyone’s sanity when things get tense. Don’t say anything, just grab a book, curl up on the couch, and start reading. If your child doesn’t join you, stay there anyway and read to yourself until your child has pushed his reset button.
12. Resist the urge to bribe, threaten, and/or berate.
Okay, this is hard, but you know what I’m talking about here. When we feel pushed into a corner because our kids won’t cooperate, we want to fight back. Bribes and threats start shooting out of our mouths. “If you don’t get this done, then you won’t be able to watch your show.” “If you finish your work you can have a cookie.” “You’re just being stubborn. I know you can do this, you’re just choosing not to.”
I’m guilty of this all too often. My son doesn’t want to do cooperate. He doesn’t want to read the chapter book we’ve been reading, or do the math lesson, or write his letters correctly, or…you get the picture. Every day there is something to resist. If he were in charge we’d be eating donuts and playing all day long.
By the end of the day, (or as early as lunchtime) I’m exhausted. My mental energy is depleted, and I want to withdraw to my introvert happy time.
13. Use incentives that make sense
I’m not a fan of sticker charts, but if done right, incentives can help when you have a difficult child. The key to using incentives is to identify what would be meaningful to your child and encourages her self esteem. Intrinsic motivation is the goal, so if you’re just doling out stickers, it doesn’t make sense. If your child recognizes that “work time” is a challenge, then finding a common goal and incentive together can be motivating.
14. Involve other adults
Many homeschool parents try to do it all. Think of ways to involve other adults to give your child a different perspective and to give yourself a break. Maybe you can ask a spouse to teach one subject or use another adult with expertise in a certain subject area. If you have grandparents nearby, see if they’d like to do art classes once a week. Homeschool co-ops and local libraries can be wonderful resources for finding adults eager and capable of teaching kids like yours.
15. Accept your child’s personality and your own
Some kids are easier to work with than others. Maybe your personality type doesn’t mesh well with your child’s. My daughter is laid-back and usually eager to please. Our conflicts look very different than those I have with her brother.
My son and I can both be inflexible. Neither of us likes to back down. By recognizing my own tendencies and accepting my son’s personality, I can look at situations more positively and prevent rifts from growing between us. Instead of stubborn or strong-willed, I can see a persistent leader who’s not afraid to stand up for himself.
Homeschooling a difficult child can be frustrating and make you doubt your ability to homeschool. It’s hard work, but if you’re willing to try these tips and not give up on yourself or your child, you will see progress! As time goes on and through trial and error, you’ll get to know your unique child better and will figure out what works.
